What is a baby: A soft pink thing that makes a lot of noise at one end and has no sense of responsibility at the other.
Why are babies always gurgling with joy? Because it’s a nappy time.
My new baby is the image of his father. Never mind, just so long as he’s healthy.
How do you get a baby astronaut to sleep? You rock-et.
Mother: Why is there a strange baby in the crib? Daughter: You told me to change the baby.
"My friend has a baby; I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant." - Steven Wright
"Babies awaken slightly disoriented, with a look that's half angel and half lost tourist." - Paul Reiser
Why is a baby like an diamond? Because it’s a dear little thing.
"I always wondered why babies spend so much time sucking their thumbs; then I tasted baby food." - Robert Orben
Why do we dress baby girls in pink and baby boys in blue? Because they can’t dress themselves.